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“I’m walking on a broken roof… with my eyes on the sky…”

 

Did you ever notice that when things go bad, sometimes they keep going bad? I do. I miss the good old days when you would have a bad day and then it would turn around and be better again. Maybe it’s the month of December or maybe it’s me but by the time I come home from or work I just feel like going to sleep until it’s over.

Twenty-four hours ago, I thought my life was on the way up from the pit of stress but then I discovered something on Facebook that just did not add up in my head. Maybe I should learn to creep less, but really, maybe people should watch what they post on the internet. My mood went from awesome to non existent; to the point that I felt sick.

Robyn thinks I enjoy drama. I really don’t. It drives me insane and I can’t do my work. What happens is I find drama and it invests my very being until I confront it. So when I found out the new drama last night, I only let it fester for a day before I did something.

I almost tired of talking to people. I don’t want them to know whats going on in my life. I don’t want them asking questions. Which is bad. I know I shouldnt hold anything in, but my problems just seem so petty as of late that I don’t want to talk to anyone. It also doesn’t help that when I do need someone to talk to, they’re never around.

This entry is boring. I’m tired of being boring and unproductive in my writing. Bleh. Maybe, if anyone is still reading this you should give me something to write about so then I don’t have to focus on how pathetic and stressed out I am.

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“This doesn’t have to be anything at all
But somehow it’s more than that…”

 

Arturo was deployed on Friday. I thought I was okay with this; apparently I’m not. I was in school and I had sent him a text seeing how everything was going. He sent back that he was deploying the next day in 24 hours. My day stopped. The night before he had told me that he had another week.  I felt miserable. He was also going home for the night. I was so scared he was leaving without saying goodbye.

I asked him about his things here. I am so used to being dropped easily by guys that it came naturally. Some stupid way to make him say goodbye to me. I met up with him with his things. What do you say to someone who is going to a place that is so dangerous? What is there to say?

We promised each other to keep in touch, hugged, and kissed. I almost cried. Arturo says, “It’s life”. I tell him, “It’s not”. “It’s military life”. I hate military life. I always have. It’s never fair. It doesn’t make sense. Plus, the fact that I have no control over it does not help.

I don’t know what to do. I miss him. I missed him when he was on leave for two weeks. I had one night then he was gone. Not that I’m really complaining, but we didn’t even sleep together that night. We just cuddled and slept. I fell asleep with him on the couch while he watched television. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. He indirectly called himself my boyfriend. Now? Who knows…

I don’t even know if he felt the same way. For all I know I was just some girl to hang out with before he deployed. In my heart I don’t believe it, but at the same time there’s always doubt. It’s like the first night we kissed, he was right there waiting the whole time for me to make the jump. He pushed me to be more than I usually am. Geez, he made me watch scary movies with him. I never do that; not even with friends I’ve known for years.

If he would have asked me to wait for him I would have said okay, but I knew he wouldn’t because that’s not who he is. Really though, what it comes down to is I don’t know. I don’t even come close to knowing.

All I can do is hope I’m not alone and try to get through things.  Every guy that even talks to me makes me compared to Arturo. I’ve only known him under four months and he’s already left such an impact on me.

Send your prayers and good wishes  Arturo;s way so that he makes it home safely from this deployment. I don’t think I could handle another disaster…

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“it’s weird. you know the end of something is coming,
but you want to hold on,
just for one more second,
just so it can hurt a little more.”

 

Every time Arturo leaves I feel dejected like I did something wrong. I feel as if I’m always wanting at least something. I hate to be this girl. Arturo and I aren’t even really anything yet I feel myself saying that we used to text more… he used to talk to me more. Who am I to even judge what is going through his head? We were set for disaster from the beginning.

The first time he came over my apartment he told me he volunteered to deploy. I’ve known that he was leaving yet I still put myself out there with him. Inviting him over every night. Making him spend the night. Cuddling with him on my air bed in the living room. Taking care of him while he was sick. Buying him a birthday present. If anyone is to blame with this, it’s me.

He told me the other night that he missed me while he was gone, and that’s all I would get out of him. I wasn’t even prying. He offered it up on his own, and I found myself smiling on the inside. He told me that he was happy he roomed with his roommate for a while because he was able to meet me. I know I’m delusional by this point, but even hearing that phrase made my heart smile a little bit.

Maybe we’ve both been quiet. Not sure what to say about the impending departure. I told him last night that I should get a dagger to sleep with. Arturo thought I would stab him if  I had one and I was tempted to remind him that he wouldn’t be around much longer to protect me and I might need one.

So many different scenarios play out in my head daily. None of them will come true I’m sure. My imagination is way too vivid for that. I think my biggest fear is that before he leaves he won’t even say goodbye and I’m be here feeling lost and rejected for the millionth time in my life. I just want to at least continue to believe that he could be different or is different from the other guys I’ve ever fallen for.

That’s probably what it is. I’ve fallen for him and now not only do I not know what is really going on between us but he is leaving for 9 months to a year leaving me here wondering what the hell I walked myself into. I left a picture on my nightstand the other day. It was a picture of my ex and  I. I had left it there after the night I thought Arturo had left. It was meant to be there to make him jealous or something crazy. I’m losing my mind in my old age. I had it underneath something and I forgot it was there. Well, somehow it made it to the top of the nightstand. He saw it. He commented on it that night pretty much asking me if I was reminiscing about it. Hardly.

I don’t like how guys just think that they can understand everything. I wanted to make him jealous and it really did make him feel something so I suppose mission accomplished? Somehow I don’t think the point I wanted was made. When he was over next he started going through all my pictures. He’s been here for almost two months and he is just now looking at all my pictures? Almost as if he was looking for more of me and my ex. I hate to break it to him but that one was the only one… out in the open that is. The others are packed or hidden even from me.

I wrote this in my journal the night things developed with Arturo and I: And I’m saying it now; this is the beginning and the plan will lead nowhere by to disaster. I believe disaster has almost arrived.

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“If you don’t tell her how you feel,
she’ll find some other guy that will tell her
all the things that she wanted from you.”

 

Last night while washing dishes I broke a glass and ended up gashing open the backside of my hand. Good thing I have military neighbors. They bandaged me up and advised me I didn’t need stitches. I probably did, but I didn’t go.  It looks like someone bit me.

I’m in a funk today. I don’t even know why. I just want to go on with my life and I find myself attached to a guy that is leaving within weeks. I don’t even know why or how I got attached. I don’t want to be attached. I wish there was a better way to do this.  I feel so cliché and it pisses me off.

I was doing laundry this weekend and I was trying to talk to my friends to check in with them and no one would answer my calls. I called Tessa three times over the weekend and she never called me back. Right now, her boyfriend (who I hate for the record) talks to me more since he comments on my Facebook all the time. I don’t know why he does it. I don’t like him. It pisses me off when he comments on my stuff like he thinks we’re friends. I don’t know why I just don’t say something. The only reason I have not to tell him is because I think Tessa wouldn’t talk to me for a while but apparently she already isn’t. She didn’t even respond to the picture of my gash.

I don’t know why my friends don’t talk to me.  I’m already alone as it is down here and then they seclude me even more and I can’t do anything about it. Geez and the only person I feel even close to talking to about anything isn’t even here on the weekends. And isn’t even talking to me right now.  What is wrong with me?

I slept with another guy. I didn’t really want to. He was a bad kisser and when you’re a bad kisser, you can’t really go up from there. I’m pretty sure sleeping with him has scarred me for life. I don’t really know why I slept with him. I think it had something to do with the fact that earlier in the week Arturo had stopped us from having sex because he had work early in the morning. He apologized but I  was still really irked. Plus everything going on with Claire and the cancer does not help anything. I think that by that time I was just emotionally shut down that I just didn’t care anymore.  He wanted to take me out to dinner later in the week and I cancelled on him twice. He managed to finally get me out on a date this weekend. I was still pretty emotionally shut off. I just lost all respect for him. I don’t want to tell him anything about my life.

I suppose in a way I’m glad I slept with him. It might lessen the blow when Arturo leaves because I will be able to at least say “Hey look, he didn’t mean that much to me… I still slept with that guy.” Constellation? Eh.

Maybe I’m just tired of being alone. That is why I started that one date a month back in January, isn’t it; because I didn’t want to feel like I was alone anymore.

Oh who am I kidding? I got myself in this mess. I bought Arturo a birthday gift, and it’s sitting there waiting for him to come over and open it. I am so worried he won’t like it and I keep going back and forth about it. After I bought it I thought of a better gift, but I kept this one anyways because it’s something he could take with him when he leaves.

Geez.. I’m so fucked.

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“and I think I’m justified
cause I’ve seen what tryings done
for those who’ve tried.”

I’ve added it up. I know I shouldn’t but I did. Bryan died in June. Nine months later, Tori died. Six months later, Claire gets cancer. I don’t like this trend. I don’t want people to make me think. I don’t want people to make me feel. I don’t want to feel anymore.

I talked with one of my mentor today who observed me last week. She gave me an excellent observation. She told me that I was an extremely good teacher and that she had to really think about what suggestions she would give me. I used to get so psyched about a good observation in college. It didn’t even phase me today. No bueno.

I would assume that this would put me into some weird category for my life… I’m just not sure what it is. All I know is that it’s awkward because I can’t feel emotions. I don’t want to feel emotions.

My coworkers and I were talking about real life experiences today. One said she has similar ones to a student so she was able to relate. The other one said she didn’t really have that many real life experiences. What a life. I’m not saying that I would change my life, but I wish my real life experiences weren’t so extreme so that whenever someone would ask me about mine, I would actually have to take the time to think about them and if they qualify as a real life experience. I told my coworker the next one I get can be all hers, because  I do not want it.

I don’t even feel emotions with Arturo; which I suppose is a good thing because if I did, I don’t even know how to handle that one. He’s more messed up in the head than I am I think. Not really. I just can’t read him. I think he forgot to drop off the owner’s manual when he came over. Not that I am his owner, but really sometimes those are nice.

Last night was awkward with him. We were hot and heavy and then he was said “Let’s stop. I have work in the morning.”  That’s all she wrote. I mean. He apologized. My thinking is, they’re your blue balls not mine. It makes you think though.

Then I decided that I, yes ME, was being too pushy with him and maybe he’s just not that into me or attracted to me. So I didn’t text him. Okay I did but I sent a survey out for dinner on what I should eat, but that was all. SWEAR. Then he called me out on not talking too much. Why do people do that? I know all the time that when Arturo does not text me, he is busy. So why would I waste my time to bother him when I’m not going to get a reply until 4 hours later. Is it just me, or is that just logical? When you’re not busy, I’ll text you. It’s like people who text me while I am at school and expect me to answer. Hello? Teaching?

He came over for a couple of minutes about a half hour ago. I was on the phone with Neil. He left to get his charger and didn’t come back. Now who’s being strange? I could text him but I’m sitting outside and my phone is inside. Hmm. The temptation is too much to read his response. “Did you fall down the rabbit hole?” I think that is a pretty legit question because honestly. I think I did a long time ago… and  I have never come back out.

 

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“I am a simple girl with a dangerous mind.”

I shouldn’t write entries at 3am; especially when I’m half asleep. Not that when I’m fully awake I’m any better at making sense of my life.

Not to sound crazy, because I know this is. Personally I believe I am just a giant neb nose (nosy for those of you that are not from the Pittsburgh area). I like knowing people’s secrets and using my own devices (i.e. facebook, myspace, google, etc.) to find out people’s dirty secrets and connections to people in the world. Well Arturo always has text messages from a girl in his phone from Ashley C. Naturally, he never mentions this girl with me. So, I was curious. I believe that if I am the other woman, I at least deserve the right to know. So I went on Arturo’s facebook and searched for Ashley C. There was one Ashley C. on his friends list who also happened to be friends with another guy from around here.

Ashley C. is about 20 years old. She is a dancer at a place called the Tiki Club. Hmm… interesting. I guess I can’t really judge because I have a male stripper friend who used to text me. There’s something different about the stripper mentality I’ve found. Maybe it’s just me being kind of conservative but they usually seem to be very sexual and open about things. My stripper tried to have sex with me in a hot tub outside with his neighbors watching. Hmm. That was not happening, but then again, I’ve also known that guy since childhood. What’s weird is Arturo is not sexual; or at least he has not hinted himself to be. Gosh, it took him how long to even kiss me; let alone sleep with me. Which by the way was only once. So really, is he a sexual being? I’m going to lean towards no.

Maybe this is problem; the “creepin’” my friends call it. Maybe I should ask questions. Maybe I should just allow people to just be without my budding in. This might be childish but what really is there left to do. I guess there is a lot left to do. I just don’t have anyone else to occupy my time. So I creep. I find out the nitty-gritty details of the internet trail they leave.

Is it just me or is it not smart to clean up your trail on the internet? I don’t know about you but I know I have been surfing and leaving a trail since  middle school. I am very conscious of what is out there. I made sure that no one is able to find it or me for that matter. Should I ever want to find it, it’s all there. All seven(?) online diaries. Yay teenage angst years. The more I think about it the more I’m happy those are over. So many emotions. Ugh. I have found a lot of things about people on the internet. You would think they would clean up their trail. I once found the myspace page of a guy I was meeting that he made three years prior. He wrote on his page that it was strictly for meeting chicks and that was all he wanted to do on there.  Awkward.

That is also why I do not attach my name to this blog, or even an email address that has my name. I know that makes me sound paranoid. I know that the super hackers would be able to find anything in a given ten minutes, but to the normal everyday Joe, I can go on just being this. Whatever these words being throw into the airwaves even is, but at least it’s something.

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“& nothing you can or will say will ever penetrate these walls that i create”

 

 

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am the reason I am never able to keep these guys around. I never let them in, and when they go and make a comment, I blow it off. I know I do it from experience, but come on. Where is my how to manual with guys? Why can’t I ever just get it right? I want to be able to be happy that a guy can say such nice things to me, but every time they do, I just start looking for something that they are hiding or lying about.

 

I don’t think I know how to just be happy.

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“but the wind went and pulled me into your hurricane…”

A week ago today, my niece was taken to the hospital with a fever and swollen leg. The following day, she was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of cancer; Ewing Sarcoma. The next day, she turned 10 months old. My niece and my family were 500 miles away. I was sitting in my apartment by myself as I tried to deal with the fact that my little niece, the child that I watched come into this world. The child I had anxiety about months before she was born that something would be wrong. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t think anyone knows how to deal with this. Ever.

I was all alone the weekend I found out. All my neighbors were gone. I could have called someone for work but I didn’t want to talk to them. This is a huge mess to deal with, and what I don’t like about new people is you don’t know how they deal with your messes and I am a cluster fuck of messes.

I have a list. I have a list of people who I trust enough to handle this information. I have a list of people who I know that no matter what I tell them, they will still treat me the same, and they will know how to help me. I’m not saying you never think about it, but sometimes you don’t realize who you can really count on. I counted seven people who I would be able to pour my heart out to without a second thought. Seven people that know and understand how I deal with things and what to say to me.

This is all not helped by the fact that one of those people is telling me to be romantic and take chances with my neighbor. Things have progressed with my neighbor Arturo. The one that will be going to Afghanistan in November. I don’t know what I’m doing with anything. I don’t know why I let myself get involved with him or why I let him stick around. What I really do not want to deal with is having someone going overseas and having to deal with the emotions that go with it. Even talking with him about it makes me just shut down. I don’t want to talk about it, or acknowledge it. Then my friend who has never had any romantic advice for me tells me to go for it and see what happens. Bleh. This information pales in comparison to what’s going in my family.

Life is extremely messy. I know that I can handle the messiness that life throws my way but I am getting freaking tired of this. I am waiting for a time when I don’t have to deal with the death of someone or a fatal illness. Sometimes I just do not know what to do; which is why I have seven people to turn to when my world turns upside down.

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“Don’t ask God for an easy life;
Ask him to make you stronger.”

 

My life is not easy. I still enjoy everything and I am not sad. It’s just different from what I’m used to. My friend Sean wants me to put some drama into my life. The last time we talked, all I could talk to him about what my neighbors drama. I supposed I do have my own small drama that I told him about. It has potential to turn into some drama but I would rather keep my life drama free.

My friend Arturo and I hang out a lot. So much even that his roommate started asking questions. He’s a good friend but as far as I can tell he’s nothing more. I wouldn’t mind him being more, but I don’t think he thinks like that. He volunteered to go back to Afghanistan. When he told me that, it brought back memories  I did not want to deal with. It made me realize why anyone who wants to go into the military or is already in it just doesn’t get it. There are very few military people I can talk to out there that really understand or feel the same way I do about these things.

Arturo asked me what my biggest fear was. I had to really thing because it was easy to say heights or falling or failing. Those are the generic fears almost everyone has. I thought a lot and after the past two years, my biggest fear is losing the people who I love. There is nothing harder than having to deal with the shock of losing people; especially when it happens so suddenly. This would be another reason why I don’t want to get close with anyone in the military ever again. I freaked out one night on my friend Jarrett making him promise to be safe while he was over there… he’s not even in any danger over there. He sits at a desk every day. Arturo is going to the one place that I don’t even want to think about anymore.

I should have just tried to stop the friendship right there, but we hung out together all week and we text each other all the time. I don’t know what else to do. He’s the only person I feel comfortable around down here.

I believe that God has a plan for everyone. It was his plan that got me here, and it was his plan that put the neighbors that I have around me. Whether I want to or not, I have been dragged into this friendship with Arturo and now all I have to decide is where I should go with it. Where do you go in a month? Arturo went away this weekend as he always does, and I missed not having him around.

So what it comes down to is that I’m putting my faith in Gad that it will all work out in the end.

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“I get lost in the beauty of everything I see. The world isn’t half as bad as they paint it to be.”

 

There was a forest fire in the woods on my way home from work. It was rather strange to see the land on fire like that so randomly. No one seemed to care. They just kept driving along like it didn’t faze them whatsoever. It was strange. I’m sure if it was serious the road would have been blocked.
Yesterday I killed my first giant spider. I saw it as I was getting ready for work. It was creepy and I thought it was a cricket at first. I had to kill it myself. I planned it out before I did anything too. Now. I am not the type of person who just goes around killing spiders but this thing was seriously the like two inches long at least. So I got my baseball bat and hammer. It was hanging out in a corner. So I hit it three times with my batt just incase it decided it knew how to jump. Then just to make sure it was dead, I hit it five times with my hammer. There’s really not much left of it now. I feel slightly safer but I can’t get out of my head that the spider army might arrive at any moment and eat me.

So last night I hung out with the military boys who decided to turn all the parking spaces outside of my apartment area into a garage so they could fix they’re cars. Which was fine with me because then I was able to play with my dog and talk with them. I ended up going to dinner with Issac and Arturo. We had to stop at the base quickly. That was my first time on base and I am pretty impressed.  Just for the size of it.

Anyways, at dinner, I got the scoop update on my neighbor. Apparently, the girl visiting is not his ex-wife, nor is that baby girl his. That would be his KY girlfriend. His ex-wife and baby are still in KY. Apparently right after they divorce was finalized he told everyone he was with this new chick and he bought her a jeep. Well, he said he bought “them” a jeep. That was after being with her for a month. After only dating her for two weeks, he bought her a $200 phone and put her on his plan. She is also staying for almost a month. Which I think is lame, and that puts me as an oddball since there are now two couples living across from me with kids and all I have is my freaking dog. I’m trying to talk two of the military guys into moving in next door to me so I won’t be alone here because this is going to get lame real quick.

Also, this girl is apparently going to move down here for good with her two kids in November or October. I don’t want to sound like the annoying blah blah blah girl but really. I am not a fan of Miss KY. Nothing against the state or girls from the state, but this girl is just coming off as an  air head. Not that I don’t like  air head, I just prefer to hang out with people who can actually hold an interesting conversation. After being with kids all day I would like to exercise my brain a little more. Oh well, back to work and then to bed for a nice Friday!