30 Day Challenge-Day 13

“you had me holding on another time and place”

Day 13-Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

I don’t think there is one place that I would not like to visit. I love to travel. I also feel like any time I get bored, it’s time to move again. Here I am, in the apartment I’ve lived in for two years and I’m ready to start over again. I want something different; something that will interest me. I want to be able to experience life.

I used to think myself an adventurer but anymore down here I feel like I have become this timid person that is scared to try things. Don’t get me wrong,  go off on my own a lot, but have I really explored nature around here? No. I could blame it on the snakes, but I honestly think it’s the unknown that is stopping me. I don’t know the area, animals, or plant life. This place even after two years is still new to me. I don’t think I have the right to call myself an explorer for the moment until  I can get back in my groove.

I wonder if this life is conducive to starting a relationship or even a family. I used to say that I wouldn’t mind living in my hometown as long as I was able to travel a lot. I think that moving around isn’t a bad thing. Then again, I think sometimes I might just be running away from my problems trying to start new again; something I never had the luxury of doing growing up.

30 Day Challenge-Day 12

“I’m only here because I want to twist the structure of my average day.”

 

Day 12-Bullet your whole day.

• Alarm started blaring at 5am
• Did not get out of bed until 530am
• Shower
• Make coffee
• Make lunch
• Put on clothes
• Rewind, iron pants
• Turn on straightener
• Blow dry hair
• Straighten hair
• Walk down outside
• Put dog on crate
• Brush teeth, put on DO, and body spray
• Turn off lights and lock house
• Drive to work and arrive at 700am
• Highlight progress reports
• Begin teaching at 800am
• Lunch at 1115am
• Lunch Duty at 1140am
• Leave work at 330pm
• Hang out with dog
• Update blog
• Leave for date 530pm
• Arrive home for date  ??Time unknown??
• Put on Pjs
• Sleep

30 Day Challenge-Day 11

“Please don’t stop the music”

 

Day 11-Put your iPod on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that come up.

1. “To The End” – My Chemical Romance
2. “Everybody’s Fool”-Evansecence
3.”I’m in Love With A Girl”-Gavin DeGraw
4.”Fully Alive”-Flyleaf
5.”Untitled”-Simple Plan
6.”Who Knew”-Pink
7.”Twenty-Four”-Switchfoot
8.”Time of Your Life”-Green Day
9.”Jenny Was A Friend OF Mine”- The Killers
10.”Her Eyes”-Pat Monahan

 

 

30 Day Challenge-Day 10

“But I’ve got to be free.”

 

Day 10-Discuss your first love and first kiss.

 

Oh boy. My first love and first kiss.

Let’s start with first kiss. That is the easiest. His name was Jason. There was a semester or year, I can’t really remember, that I played in the concert band because I felt like it pretty much. That is where I met Jason. He was one of those guys who took band but did not want to be labeled a band geek so he took concert band. Either way, he wasn’t a popular kid… or attractive really. By spring time he ended up joining track because, oh yea, I did track. We dated for three months? Then, I got bored and dumped him. Maybe for another guy that ended up breaking my heart. Anyways. My first kiss was with Jason at his mom’s house. We had just finished watching Resident Evil. He did the whole I want to do something but I’m not sure how you’ll react. I’ve heard this line so many times in my life now… let’s be honest. Everyone knows what you want to do. You’re just wasting your own breath by this point. Then he kissed me in the bedroom. I’m pretty sure I was sitting on the floor and he was on the bed so he kind of rolled toward me or something like that. I was 15.

He was a sloppy kisser and I wasn’t really all that upset when I dumped him. It was just time. Last time I heard anything about him…  he was still living in our hometown, with a kid, not married, and probably, I think, working at the mill if he had any job at all.

First love… hmm… I guess that would have to be Tony. Tony and I dated on and off again in high school. If I had to pick a high school sweetheart, he would have been it. We were inseparable when we were together but also a deadly force together as well. Sometimes we just ran hot and cold.  I was happy and he was happy until we weren’t. Right before I left for college, Tony tried to get back with me. I refused. I knew where I wanted to be and I knew where he wanted to be; those two paths were not headed in the same directions. I know I hurt him when I said no, but it was for the best. We reconnected a year or so ago. He married his childhood crush and he is still living near his hometown with no plan on moving. Exactly where I knew he would be.

Tony was only a season in my life, just like Jason was. I am still waiting for the love on my life and where that will take me, but since both of these gentlemen, I, myself, have come a long way.

30 Day Challenge-09

“Once you’re in the air, there’s nothing you do
but let go.”

 

Day 09- How you hope your future will be like.

 

Ahh… well let’s see. In the very near future, I will have my master’s degree. From there I want to keep working and honing my craft. I would love to be able to write a novel and have it published. I think that I can do that while still continuing my teaching career. I love writing and in the past few years I’ve strayed away from it and I think I am ready to get back on the horse again.

In the extended future, I want to find a husband, house, and eventually a doctorate. I would love to be teaching at a university.  I want to have a family of my own, and an awesome career. Am I asking too much? I don’t think so. I love what I do and I want to continue doing it no matter.

I hope that Claire keeps growing and being happy. I hope that the cancer stays away and I can see every great moment in her life. I know I will have kids of my own and a family of my own but I will always love my Claire. She will always have a special place with me no matter what.

I don’t want to say that having a guy in my life will make me happy but I think that it would be okay if I was alone. I think ideally, like most people, I want the family life. I want to share my life with someone and grow old with. Do I need children? No. I could adopt some, become a foster parent, and if all else fails, my siblings have kids and I can be the cool aunt.

Overall, I see my future as happy no matter what path I take as long as I work hard.

30 Day Challenge-08

“& she lies in the grass staring up at the sky,
                  wondering what happened to her life.”

 

Day 08- A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

 

A moment I was most satisfied with my life. This is hard. This shouldn’t be hard, right? This should be easy. I think for a lot of people it might be when they met their significant other, the day they got engaged, they day they were married… babies. What are my life achievements so far? College, job, pursuit of graduate degree. I feel like these might not count. When I visit home, I love spending time with my niece but I don’t feel there. It’s not my home. I feel out-of-place and just a visitor. 

I think that the moment I felt most satisfied with my life was when I was offered my job. I felt validated. I felt like finally there was someone who wanted me and believe in my ability to teach children. I was so happy. Claire wasn’t sick yet so I did not have that weighing on me. I felt like my life after being at a standstill for so long was finally going somewhere. I know that this satisfaction moment will change eventually but for now this is what it is. This was the moment my life started.

30 Day Challenge- 07

“sometimes living in a world like this,
it’s pretty hard not to go insane.”

 

Day07- Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

 

My sign is Sagittarius.

Sagittarius Traits: Frank, fearless and generous, the Archers or Sagittarius are a different set altogether. Many of them tend to remain in their own worlds, immersed deeply in culture, intellectual and creative pursuits, travel and self-appreciation. Lovers of freedom, they tend to be independent and supremely confident. Some of these strong traits, however, may border on to eccentricity or tactlessness in Archers. Candid as they are, they pride themselves for being able to call a spade a spade. However, this attitude may hurt people, or at the very least, turn into embarrassing situations. They may also be perceived as crude, boastful and inconsistent, thanks to their overly energetic, wavering minds.

Positive Qualities of Sagittarius: Generosity, Altruism, Candour, Fearlessness, Self reliance, Love for nature, Love for travelling .

Negative Qualities of Sagittarius: Overconfidence, Bluntness, Brashness, Inconsistency, Lack of concentration, Overconfidence

 

I think that this description of Sagittarius very much explains who I am or at least who a part of I am. I love to travel, being creative , different cultures, and I am always lost in my own world. It is strange because I also always say that I will tell it how it is; no use beating around the bush, which is apparently a trait. I have been viewed as crude and boastful before. I think that overall this does define me.

I have never really believed in this stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I still check my horoscope sometimes just to see what it says but I don’t like by it. That is just not me. I like this though.

 

P.s. Sorry for the hiatus…. life happened? Time to play catch up.

30 Day Challenge-06

“Where to go from here? What road to travel on?
I spent my whole life choosing, and I always chose wrong.
Will I try to have the will to be alive?
Will I try because I’ve never seen the light?
Blow it to the ground and it’s now you see,
You spent your whole life taking the best of me”

 

Day 06- 30 Interesting Facts about Yourself.

 

1. I have an obsession with movies.

2. I waited to have sex until I was 20.

3. I regretted giving up my virginity.

4. I double-bagged my dead cat.

5. I have a lot of siblings.

6. I love running 5ks.

7. I want to run a half marathon next year.

8. I am pretty sure by this point in my life that I am going to end up alone.

9. I have written a book before.

10. I try to write somewhere every day.

11. I love my job.

12. I want o become a college professor eventually.

13. I love pizza.

15. I am not fat, but I wish I was more in shape.

16. It takes awhile for me to get attached to people.

17. Once I am attached to someone, I get really upset when they leave my life.

18. My dog tweaks out to reflections of light.

19. I never used to like to run.

20. My brother hates me, but I am slowly getting over there.

21. I love not living in my hometown.

22. In all honesty, I don’t think I ever want to move back there.

23. There are a lot of great people in my life, but there are also a lot of terrible people in my life.

24. My niece is a survivor of cancer.

25. It is easier to love my family from a distance.

26. I have always thought that I had my life figured out, but now, I’m not so sure.

27. I can’t wait to move closer to work.

28. I enjoy hanging out with my dog. He is my stress relief.

29. I really want my roommate to just move to Germany already.

30. I wish life would come with a manual.

30 Day Challenge-05

“I was afraid of the dark but now it’s all that I want, all that I want, all that I want”

 

 

Day 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

 

I had just turned 16. I had been cutting myself for a year and a half and things were not going my way. Looking back in my teenager journals, I had a lot of teenage angst.

It was the day before Christmas Eve. I had gotten into a huge fight with my parents (as I so often did at this point in my life) and had been locked in my room for hours. Not many people were home and I was feeling extra unwanted in my own house.

I had decided that I wanted to just end all the pent-up emotions right then and there. I grabbed my blade and went into the bathroom to take a bath. I started to fill the tub with hot water. It wasn’t full yet but I got in. I was preparing myself. 

The tub was only half way filled when the hot water ran out. I sat there for a half hour thinking about my options. I was obviously not going to be able to accomplish my goal that night. 

I got out of the tub, drained the water, went back to my room, put my blades away, and decided that God did not want me to kill myself. I never told anyone. No one knew for years that I almost committed suicide, and that was just fine with me. 

It wasn’t really one of my finer moments.

30 Day Challenge-04

“He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.”

 

Day o4: Your views on religion

 

I grew up in a religious household. There is not a time that I don’t remember going to church. I admit it. On Sundays when I was little, I hated going to church. I hated having to put on those itching dresses, where those silly dress shoes that I couldn’t run in (I was a true tom-boy), and putting on tights that always felt like they were falling off. Church was not my thing really unless I could wear jeans. That’s why I loved vacation Bible school. You mean I get to wear shoes, sneakers, and have fun?! Deal.

About fourth grade, my parents moved us to a new church and I was hesitant thinking it would be the same thing again but this church was different. They really made church engaging for kids. I fell in love with church and I was actually learning. I also felt at home too. I was at home with everyone at that church. There was actual sleep over church camp in the school. That really got through to me. I was a full  fledged Jesus loving Christian after that. I was the one telling my parents I wanted to go to youth group, waking them up to take me to Sunday school, and asking to go to church every weekend. Then my older sister found a new church and my family moved us again.

I have learned recently that my family is what you would call Church Hoppers. They don’t stay at churches too long. They find something they don’t like at leave. I thought this was still true but recently most of my family has become Easter/Christmas people. I am not proud of them. I always try to get them to go to church but living 500 miles away, it’s a little hard.

After my parents moved churches when I was in high school things started going down hill. I wasn’t going to church very often. My excuse wasn’t that I didn’t want to but that I had to work every Sunday morning. That’s when I started to drift. It got worse in college when I was too hung over to go to church or too busy in the library. There just always seemed to be a reason for me not to go to church. After graduation it was once again, work every Sunday.

I never really did lose my entire faith. I just strayed… a lot. When I moved here, I saw a church that I wanted to try and was excited when Karen, my co-worker, attended that church as well. I thought I wanted to go church shopping when I moved here, but I went once to my church and I stuck around.

I’m not saying that I feel at home there, but this church has healed me. I feel renewed. I am growing in my faith and making up for all my lost years when I was wondering astray. I can’t remember the last time I cut myself, felt depressed, or truly alone.  I know who I am. I am a believer in Jesus.

 

I found this card on PostSecret.com. I think that as the people around me fail, my faith does grow stronger. Whoever wrote this card, I wish I could talk to because that is what my life has become. I have a million friends 500 miles away and I never went to church. Now that I am here, I have a small amount of friends and I always go to church and I feel bad if I don’t.

Here’s a nice little video to end with…