“& I’m not bitter; I’ve just passed that point in my life.”
When I was growing up, I truly thought I was ugly. I related the most with the story of the ugly duckling and I hoped that one day I would be able to grow up into the beautiful swan.
I’m on the right. Even at a young age, I am obviously super cool.
Looking back on it now, I realize I was not a hideous child, but I did not come the conclusion by myself that I was ugly. No. The culprits were my very own flesh and blood; my brothers and sisters. I know. It still shocks me to this day. My older sister, Mallory, was the main leader in the insults which I never really understood. As I went through elementary school, I realized that my siblings were not the only ones that were aware that I was ugly. I was usually very shy in my class. I would try to make friends but because of my low self-esteem ended up with only one friend. I have a lot of vivid memories of trying to make friends with the “popular” girls only to get laughed right to my face. I know most people probably have these same memories since media displays them so well on TV shows and movies. At the age of 9, though, I was unaware of this.
I would like to think that as I progressed past third grade I became rather bold with my romantic feelings for boys. I would write little love notes, or more like my best friend did. Unfortunately in elementary school, I was shot down. Non-verbally. This added so much to the fire that by the time I hit middle school I had decided and had complete convinced my self that I was completely repulsive. I believe that this was the turning point down the road to being a cynical bitch.
From then on if a guy called me cute, pretty, or beautiful one of two things would happen.
1) I would decide that he was the guy for me and start dating him right away. It would be our own little fairy tale and we were so totally going to get married and live happily ever after! -.- Then a month or two would pass and I would realize that the guy was not intellectually equal to me or he was going nowhere in life or he lied too much. You name it, I’ve used it as a reason. The fairytale idea always got crushed some way or another. In my mind though usually it all came back to me not being good enough (whenever I was dumped that is).
2) I would assume that whoever was saying those things was just trying to sleep with me. David, Josh and Stormi’s best friend, has wanted to get into my pants since he saw me, or at least so I thought. Right before he deployed he listed off the reasons for why he wanted to date me. I’m loyal, smart, good-looking, great with kids, and I know what I want out of life. I was kind of surprised he was able to list off those things. He also has a failing marriage and Herpes so he gets bonus points but will not make the cut.
Ugly duckling turned into a Swan!
Arturo came into town today. I left. It was raining so I went to work. I knew he was coming in today, but he never told me what time so I figured it might be at night. I really don’t know what I figured but I was bored. He was gone before I came home. He texted me, “I wish I could have said hello”. I told him it was better this way so he wouldn’t have to lie to me again about seeing me. I know I’m doing a lot of the pushing him out of my life right now, but it all goes back to the ugly duckling.
Arturo came back from deployment, slept with me, spent the night in bed with me every night, and stopped talking. I feel used. Even now, I do not feel like I was enough for him. He makes me upset and he doesn’t even understand it. What the hell am I? Why would you come back to see someone who you’ve used? Do you just want to use them more? What the hell is that going to do to my self-esteem? I don’t even think he knows what he’s done. He says that I act like I mean nothing to him and I’m wrong. I think I’m still waiting for what do I mean to him?
Am I just the girl who spent seven months talking to him online? Am I just the girl you kept lined up to sleep with? Am I just the girl who made you feel special just so you could kick me down? I feel like I did everything I could and I still came up short. I was standing on the edge of the cliff, I jumped, and then wondered if I had even jumped at all. I feel like I opened up completely to him only to get slapped in the face.
Why am I so upset that you said you’ll come back to see me? I’m upset because no matter how much I think I’ve become a swan; I’m still the ugly duckling.
whitexspace 