30 Day Challenge-Day 10

“But I’ve got to be free.”

 

Day 10-Discuss your first love and first kiss.

 

Oh boy. My first love and first kiss.

Let’s start with first kiss. That is the easiest. His name was Jason. There was a semester or year, I can’t really remember, that I played in the concert band because I felt like it pretty much. That is where I met Jason. He was one of those guys who took band but did not want to be labeled a band geek so he took concert band. Either way, he wasn’t a popular kid… or attractive really. By spring time he ended up joining track because, oh yea, I did track. We dated for three months? Then, I got bored and dumped him. Maybe for another guy that ended up breaking my heart. Anyways. My first kiss was with Jason at his mom’s house. We had just finished watching Resident Evil. He did the whole I want to do something but I’m not sure how you’ll react. I’ve heard this line so many times in my life now… let’s be honest. Everyone knows what you want to do. You’re just wasting your own breath by this point. Then he kissed me in the bedroom. I’m pretty sure I was sitting on the floor and he was on the bed so he kind of rolled toward me or something like that. I was 15.

He was a sloppy kisser and I wasn’t really all that upset when I dumped him. It was just time. Last time I heard anything about him…  he was still living in our hometown, with a kid, not married, and probably, I think, working at the mill if he had any job at all.

First love… hmm… I guess that would have to be Tony. Tony and I dated on and off again in high school. If I had to pick a high school sweetheart, he would have been it. We were inseparable when we were together but also a deadly force together as well. Sometimes we just ran hot and cold.  I was happy and he was happy until we weren’t. Right before I left for college, Tony tried to get back with me. I refused. I knew where I wanted to be and I knew where he wanted to be; those two paths were not headed in the same directions. I know I hurt him when I said no, but it was for the best. We reconnected a year or so ago. He married his childhood crush and he is still living near his hometown with no plan on moving. Exactly where I knew he would be.

Tony was only a season in my life, just like Jason was. I am still waiting for the love on my life and where that will take me, but since both of these gentlemen, I, myself, have come a long way.

30 Day Challenge-09

“Once you’re in the air, there’s nothing you do
but let go.”

 

Day 09- How you hope your future will be like.

 

Ahh… well let’s see. In the very near future, I will have my master’s degree. From there I want to keep working and honing my craft. I would love to be able to write a novel and have it published. I think that I can do that while still continuing my teaching career. I love writing and in the past few years I’ve strayed away from it and I think I am ready to get back on the horse again.

In the extended future, I want to find a husband, house, and eventually a doctorate. I would love to be teaching at a university.  I want to have a family of my own, and an awesome career. Am I asking too much? I don’t think so. I love what I do and I want to continue doing it no matter.

I hope that Claire keeps growing and being happy. I hope that the cancer stays away and I can see every great moment in her life. I know I will have kids of my own and a family of my own but I will always love my Claire. She will always have a special place with me no matter what.

I don’t want to say that having a guy in my life will make me happy but I think that it would be okay if I was alone. I think ideally, like most people, I want the family life. I want to share my life with someone and grow old with. Do I need children? No. I could adopt some, become a foster parent, and if all else fails, my siblings have kids and I can be the cool aunt.

Overall, I see my future as happy no matter what path I take as long as I work hard.

30 Day Challenge- 07

“sometimes living in a world like this,
it’s pretty hard not to go insane.”

 

Day07- Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

 

My sign is Sagittarius.

Sagittarius Traits: Frank, fearless and generous, the Archers or Sagittarius are a different set altogether. Many of them tend to remain in their own worlds, immersed deeply in culture, intellectual and creative pursuits, travel and self-appreciation. Lovers of freedom, they tend to be independent and supremely confident. Some of these strong traits, however, may border on to eccentricity or tactlessness in Archers. Candid as they are, they pride themselves for being able to call a spade a spade. However, this attitude may hurt people, or at the very least, turn into embarrassing situations. They may also be perceived as crude, boastful and inconsistent, thanks to their overly energetic, wavering minds.

Positive Qualities of Sagittarius: Generosity, Altruism, Candour, Fearlessness, Self reliance, Love for nature, Love for travelling .

Negative Qualities of Sagittarius: Overconfidence, Bluntness, Brashness, Inconsistency, Lack of concentration, Overconfidence

 

I think that this description of Sagittarius very much explains who I am or at least who a part of I am. I love to travel, being creative , different cultures, and I am always lost in my own world. It is strange because I also always say that I will tell it how it is; no use beating around the bush, which is apparently a trait. I have been viewed as crude and boastful before. I think that overall this does define me.

I have never really believed in this stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I still check my horoscope sometimes just to see what it says but I don’t like by it. That is just not me. I like this though.

 

P.s. Sorry for the hiatus…. life happened? Time to play catch up.

30 Day Challenge-04

“He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.”

 

Day o4: Your views on religion

 

I grew up in a religious household. There is not a time that I don’t remember going to church. I admit it. On Sundays when I was little, I hated going to church. I hated having to put on those itching dresses, where those silly dress shoes that I couldn’t run in (I was a true tom-boy), and putting on tights that always felt like they were falling off. Church was not my thing really unless I could wear jeans. That’s why I loved vacation Bible school. You mean I get to wear shoes, sneakers, and have fun?! Deal.

About fourth grade, my parents moved us to a new church and I was hesitant thinking it would be the same thing again but this church was different. They really made church engaging for kids. I fell in love with church and I was actually learning. I also felt at home too. I was at home with everyone at that church. There was actual sleep over church camp in the school. That really got through to me. I was a full  fledged Jesus loving Christian after that. I was the one telling my parents I wanted to go to youth group, waking them up to take me to Sunday school, and asking to go to church every weekend. Then my older sister found a new church and my family moved us again.

I have learned recently that my family is what you would call Church Hoppers. They don’t stay at churches too long. They find something they don’t like at leave. I thought this was still true but recently most of my family has become Easter/Christmas people. I am not proud of them. I always try to get them to go to church but living 500 miles away, it’s a little hard.

After my parents moved churches when I was in high school things started going down hill. I wasn’t going to church very often. My excuse wasn’t that I didn’t want to but that I had to work every Sunday morning. That’s when I started to drift. It got worse in college when I was too hung over to go to church or too busy in the library. There just always seemed to be a reason for me not to go to church. After graduation it was once again, work every Sunday.

I never really did lose my entire faith. I just strayed… a lot. When I moved here, I saw a church that I wanted to try and was excited when Karen, my co-worker, attended that church as well. I thought I wanted to go church shopping when I moved here, but I went once to my church and I stuck around.

I’m not saying that I feel at home there, but this church has healed me. I feel renewed. I am growing in my faith and making up for all my lost years when I was wondering astray. I can’t remember the last time I cut myself, felt depressed, or truly alone.  I know who I am. I am a believer in Jesus.

 

I found this card on PostSecret.com. I think that as the people around me fail, my faith does grow stronger. Whoever wrote this card, I wish I could talk to because that is what my life has become. I have a million friends 500 miles away and I never went to church. Now that I am here, I have a small amount of friends and I always go to church and I feel bad if I don’t.

Here’s a nice little video to end with…

30 Day Challenge-02

 

“it takes great patience to operate inside closed minds with limited time.”

 

Day- 02: Where I’d like to be in 10 years.

 

I am 25. I live with my dog in a town that I hate because it is way too country for me. I have a parade of roommates simply because it is just easier than living alone. I have a job that I love and I am working on my master’s to further my education.

When I was fifteen, I thought I’d be married by now with at least one kid, working and writing. I really wanted to have at least one book published by 25. I don’t know why I thought I would be married with kid, but that was what the town I grew up in pretty much did. My best friend was married and with kid by 25. Am I a minority? No. Not within my wide group of friends. Do I stand out from the people I graduated high school with? Yes. My Facebook is full of people who are married, getting married, pregnant, and/or raising kids while still living in our hometown. I feel like I am somewhat behind them sometimes.  Don’t worry. I defriend them on their birthdays so I do not need to be tormented by them anymore. YAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I believe that my idea of the future may not have changed too much since my high school ambitions. I think that in the next ten years, I want to have my doctorate. I want to present at a professional conference. I want to be amazing in my field and work on becoming a professor at a university. I want to be in a relationship. If that means I am dating someone seriously, I would be okay with that. I don’t want to say that I want to have this or that in a relationship because I really don’t know. I just want to be happy and be me which more often than not in the past year has been hard when I am dating guys. I want to be closer to getting over my commitment issues. I push a lot of people away and I understand why and I feel like I should work on that more.

Do I know where I want to be living in 10 years? No. I tell everyone whenever they ask if I am going to stay here forever that I am just a leaf in the wind. I could be living anywhere. To me, my life is an empty canvas. I feel like I used to feel the need to make sure it was planned out. Now that I am 25 and living with my dog (who turns three tomorrow by the way), I realize that sometimes this is enough. It is enough that I am happy in my here and now. When it comes to a time that I am no longer happy, then I will work on my life to change it.

30 Day Challenge-01

“Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again”

 

 

So I have been neglecting this thing for too long. Notes from The Backseat inspired me to try a Thirty Day Challenge. She is working on a drawing 30 Day Challenge right now and since I am not an artist, I thought what better way to get back into my extremely neglected blog than to do a 30 Day Challenge. I found this one on the internet.

 

Day 01- “Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.”

I don’t really know how single life is. I am single, but I am so busy that I really don’t notice it. What I do notice is that John is still around… all the time. He has not seemed to go away yet. I made a profile on Match.com. It didn’t work. I mean I was able to get on and what not but just incase everyone was wondering, it is very apparent why I can’t find a guy around here. I can’t even find one on the internet. That is how sorry my life is.

I had a date scheduled for last night. The guy was pretty decent looking. A few hours before the date, he called and canceled.  John had already been throwing a fit all day because he didn’t want me going on a date. I milked that for a little more because he needs to know that we are not going to be dating.

Five Reasons Not to Date John:

1. John likes to turn things around and make them my fault. He doesn’t like to wrong, so he thinks that automatically makes me wrong.

2. John’s views are extremely different from mine. He’s not racist but he gets pretty close to it. Me? I forget people’s skin color half the time. I don’t care what you look like as long as you can hold an intelligent conversation.

3. The little things he says to be that he believes in belittles me because he is pretty much saying that what I believe is just wrong and no one else believes that. I know that isn’t true but when one of your friends tells you that it hurts just a bit because your friends are supposed to be the people who help you not push you down.

4. I have thought about cutting on more than one occasion with him because I can’t understand him and it kills me. I want to say that I can’t control situations with him but that almost makes me sound crazy so I’ll just keep it at I can’t control the situations. My self-injury is completely based on the control on my surroundings.

5. He is extremely jealous of every guy that isn’t him.

 

John asked me for one legit reason for why I wouldn’t date him. I gave him one and he did not want to accept that. One reason is one reason; you don’t get to pick and choose what a good reason would be. I highly doubt he would accept any reason I presented him with. John thinks he’s in love with me and I think that until I move he won’t leave me alone. He feels like he needs to be around me always and that’s not true. So I guess I’ll just wait this one out and figure the rest of my life later.

Poof and it’s gone.

“There is no courage in flirting with fear to prove you’re alive.”

 

 

I gave my couch away today. In church during announcements there said there were families in need and they were looking for a couch because they didn’t have any. After church I said I had a couch and a futon. Within five minutes we drove over to my house and they took my couch away. I need to give more of my stuff away. I don’t need most of it.

My church has been going through this new series called “Not A Fan”. It is very interesting the different things it takes you through. I have been reflecting a lot about things. After today’s sermon, I wanted to get rid of everything I don’t use which happens to be a lot. I have a lot of movies, cloths, books, and even furniture.

This series has also made me think about my own life and the sins I commit daily. It’s something I need to work on. I feel like I’m going into one of those recovering programs. The first step to recovery is admitting you’re a sinner.  I think what really got me thinking about this even before the series was that over Christmas when I was visiting my family, my sister’s daughter (the cancer baby… although she’s cancer free now, but you get the idea) fractured her leg on Christmas Eve. We spent most of Christmas Day at the hospital with my niece getting checked out and x-rays. Claire, my niece, apparently had a very common fracture for toddlers. Common for most toddlers, but for my sister and Claire it just seems to be one thing after another.

On the drive home from the hospital, my sister was still upset, I knew she was. I told her she could cry if she wanted to, I know I did. She was so upset, she asked me, “Why does God keep punishing me?!”.  I think in moments like these it’s hard to really have an answer for anyone. My sister hasn’t been to church in years and unlike me, she never really took a strong hold on faith. She was just going through the motions.  I want her to understand what I’ve been learning in church but it seems so hard for her. I sent her a book from the series we’re going through for her birthday. I wish she would read it. Then maybe she wouldn’t be blaming God for every wrong thing that happens in her life.

I pointed out to her that yes, your baby got cancer, but she’s still alive with both of her legs. Yes, your baby fractured her leg and has to be in a cast for a month. There are worse things in this world. I used to think when Claire was born that she was so lucky because everyone, and I mean everyone, loved her. There could not have been another child with more love. I thought when she got cancer, at least it’s Claire and not some child who has no one to love her during this time. That was always the bright side of this; Claire has never known loneliness  There has always been some family member, some family friend bringing a toy, food, or simply to just come and hang out at the hospital while Claire went through her chemo. We all kept her happy.

It is hard to think about everything that I hold onto in my own life when I hear what little some people have. There was a baby on the same floor as Claire the one time. She was always with the nurses hanging out because her family wasn’t there. She didn’t have a boat load of people to support her. She was all alone. I need to learn to just let go of things. Like my couch. It’s gone now. The guy from my church asked me, “What are you going to sit on now?” I would rather sit on the floor. I really don’t use my couch. I know a family would be able to use it a lot more than I could. There really is no use holding onto something I don’t need.

Step by little step…

“I don’t wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I’ve spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I’ve spent most of my time”

 

 

Recently since I have been unable to meet anyone new really since Thanksgiving I have been thinking of starting up again with the online dating thing. John told me he would think less of me if I were to actually do online dating. I felt a little insulted. John is younger than me and I don’t think he realizes how hard it really is to meet decent people in the world. I am not in college anymore. The guys in the bars are not appealing. Everyone at my job is married or a woman. So tell me. Where do you find people to date?

I’ve done this online dating thing before; mainly because  I was desperate to move on. Am I desperate now? Maybe. Dewon’s engagement is going down here and he’s talking to me again. That is red flag number that I should stay away from. Arturo is getting back into the army and will be back in this town soon enough. That is red flag number two that I should stay away from. Both of those guys I need to stay away from. They are just simply quicksand.

The only thing that remains is the fact that within the next 6 months I want to move closer to my work which is a half hour away from here. I need to figure out if I start my little dating game now or later. I think I want to start it now. Something for me to do with the down time that I have.

John and I already had the talk that things between us aren’t going anywhere so now it’s back to the drawing board, and by drawing board I mean online dating sites where I can pick out what kind of guy I want to date. I would have to say I would need a guy that is relatively attractive and at least 6′ tall because let’s be honest, the guy being shorter than me does matter. The guy must also not be a dead beat. I’ve had enough deadbeats to last me a lifetime. Time to move on and find the finer things in life I think. I don’t care if my friends do feel less of me. If they don’t like it, maybe they should be the ones to be setting me up with someone. Any friends offering? Nope. The might as well take matters into my own hands.

Sometimes Love won’t find a way…

“Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it’s not right”

 

 

 

I think it’s official at this point. I am going to be alone. I found out the other day that Dewon is engaged to his evil ex. I was shocked. Mainly because it was only three months ago that I was sleeping with him. I’m tired of being pushed aside so often. The guys I want to chase after are the guys that never want anything to do with me.  I have to sit on the sidelines and watch them achieve their happily ever after while my dream bubble is popped with a needle.

My friends with benefits John has been more of an annoyance lately than anything. I have realized that I am very spacial person. Meaning, I like my space. I want my space. And please, please, please do not invade my space. John wants to be next to me, laying on me, hugging me all the time. It is extremely annoying. Anymore I just simply think I don’t have the personality to be a relationship with someone.

Or maybe, I know that John and I would never work out so I remain being my guarded self while he keeps hoping and trying to pull me into a relationship with him. Last night I called him annoying cause he wouldn’t let me finish my work and he was laying on me. After a while, he left the living room and went to bed. When I went to bed, I asked if anything was wrong. Really really asked. He said he was just tired and that was all. So I started to go to sleep. He got up about 20 minutes later and proclaimed, “Well I can see when I’m not wanted,” and proceeded to move into the living room to sleep in the couch. I hate to say it but I was so tired myself and rather baffled at what just happened that I just let him do it and I rolled over and went to sleep. He came crawling into bed around four in the morning saying he didn’t really mean to fall asleep out there.

I don’t know what it is. Am I too picky? Am I too ridiculous on everything that is going on to really just let myself settle down? I think that by this point it is safe to say that I may have high standards, and I know they are not dropping any time soon. Maybe I am just a ball of commitment issues spawning from the unhappy marriages of my parents and family members. I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a marriage that is fully happy. I think that scares me the most.

I might just be better off on my own. Something to think about in the future. I have too much planned for myself to get caught up in some relationship.

Bam! There goes 2012.

“I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take”

Happy New Year everyone; at least it should be right? I’m been neglecting this thing far too long. Last night was the first time I’ve spent New Years away from my friends and family. I had to leave my visit home early because of the snow forecast. I do not want to be stuck in the north and missing work. So let’s have a recap.

I went out to eat with the ex. He pretty much wants to jump back into a relationship without a title. What do I feel? I feel like he still is not even really trying to understand me. He wants me for his trophy girlfriend. He wants that typical girlfriend who will just be there for him and I am not that. Everything he said to me the other night did not make up for any of the reasons we broke up. Don’t get me wrong. I still have feelings for him and I am attracted to him, but it won’t work. Maybe I am cynical when it comes to relationships. Isn’t it supposed to be working through things to really make it work? Well. I don’t think I need to be working on it from the beginning. There needs to be a peace period other wise it would be like if someone gave me some stick and told me to build the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s just not going to happen. There is just no happy foundation for the relationship. He came over on my birthday with a dozen roses (which I hate) and a movie that I already have on Blue Ray. First off, I don’t own a TV that supports Blue Ray nor do I even own a Blue Ray player. I think he was expecting me to say that I wanted to start things up again. I didn’t.  I told him that we should try being friends and see where that goes. He agreed and has since not talked to me since. I stalked his Facebook; he’s already head over heals for some other chick.

I would like to say that 2012 ended with nothing really too exciting. Dewon is still a douche. Arturo is still making empty promises. Plus side, the ex has finally left me alone. I feel like I am in just one endless cycle. Since Thanksgiving, I’ve been hanging out with this one guy, John. It started out as just friends then quickly escalated from there. I hate to say it but there are things holding me back from dating him.  He’s younger than me, immature, and shorter than me. He thinks I am being unreasonable when I bring up these points but at this point in my life am I not allowed to be picky?

Last night like I said was my first New Years away from my hometown. It was strange. Being with completely different people. For the past six or seven years, I have been with the same people every New Years. I am usually always with Robyn and which ever guys we were dating at the time. This year I was with Josh, John, Baby (his real name is Daton, but that’s what we call him… he’s 18!), and John’s roommate Steven. Josh and Stormi are getting a divorce and already Josh has a whole list of girls lined up to replace her. He keeps revealing more and more in his stories that make him look extremely shady. Steven is getting divorced after being married for three days. He married the girl he loves and then three days after the marriage she tells him she doesn’t want to be with him. I feel terrible for him. How can someone do that?!

Needless to say we were an extremely strange bunch. I tried to keep Steven entertained most of the night. Baby and I are pretty close as well. We had a bonding moment a few weeks again when another older guy in the Army talked our ears off for a half hour. We will never get that half hour back. Overall though, I didn’t drink that much, and I was just being myself. John got pissed about something. He wasn’t even looking at me or talking to me. So I texted him trying to figure out what was wrong. All I got was a text saying “What do you care… you’re only using me for sex.”

I’ve had to deal with this attitude from John before. He’s been upset that he would be alone for the holidays and not be able to go home. Then he was upset because he told me he didn’t know where I stood. Did I like him? Did I not like him? It frustrated him because he couldn’t read me. So here we are in the bar with his mood. We all know we need to leave soon anyways. So we get in the car and head home. He’s still not looking at me or talking. Once we all get to Josh’s house. John is still sending me cryptic messages. At this point I’m almost beyond caring. I make Baby take me home. I was not going to spend the night there. You want to talk to me like that, I’ll leave. Don’t give me your shit because I won’t put up with it. If you have a problem, say it. Otherwise I’ll just leave. So I did. He has 24 hour duty today so I know he’s not just going to show up at my house and he’s been texting me all morning.

I don’t know if it’s him that has become more clingy or if it’s because I just came back from visiting my family, but I’m can feel myself pushing him away. I don’t want his help and he’s always just on me. Like leaning or looking over my shoulder while I play a game. I feel like I need a bubble. It is almost similar to ex-boyfriend Sam whenever he was suddenly just there at my apartment pretty much living. He was just there… all the time. That’s how it is with John, he slowly is just at my house all time. Not only is he here but he does everything wrong and I have to fight with him about how I am allowed to do it my way. I have to justify myself. I think I hate that the most. Why do I need to justify the way I do things?! I’ve come this far on my own, and I can keep going on my own as well.

I think I have a problem letting people come into my life. An easy New Years Resolution would be get back into shape. but maybe I should work on letting people into my life and help me too. Back in August I felt so sure that  I was above all this pushing people away thing but here I am back in the same old spot.

So here’s to 2013. Hoping against hope that this year will be better than the last.