30 Day Challenge-05

“I was afraid of the dark but now it’s all that I want, all that I want, all that I want”

 

 

Day 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

 

I had just turned 16. I had been cutting myself for a year and a half and things were not going my way. Looking back in my teenager journals, I had a lot of teenage angst.

It was the day before Christmas Eve. I had gotten into a huge fight with my parents (as I so often did at this point in my life) and had been locked in my room for hours. Not many people were home and I was feeling extra unwanted in my own house.

I had decided that I wanted to just end all the pent-up emotions right then and there. I grabbed my blade and went into the bathroom to take a bath. I started to fill the tub with hot water. It wasn’t full yet but I got in. I was preparing myself. 

The tub was only half way filled when the hot water ran out. I sat there for a half hour thinking about my options. I was obviously not going to be able to accomplish my goal that night. 

I got out of the tub, drained the water, went back to my room, put my blades away, and decided that God did not want me to kill myself. I never told anyone. No one knew for years that I almost committed suicide, and that was just fine with me. 

It wasn’t really one of my finer moments.